Little Brain's Big Life

Little Brain's Big Life

He picked up a dry stick and looked at it with eyes full of wonder and smiled. I looked from my kitchen window, wondering, what could interest him in a piece of twig? As I tip toed towards him, my curiosity knew no bounds. I called out. The angel face turned and continued to smile.

I squatted in front of him, pointed to the twig and asked, “Honey, what's in there?”

He said, “Nothing Ma.”

The answer surprised me. I expected an answer, an explanation, however odd. “Nothing”, was not what I wanted to hear. Controlling my frustration, I stood up, patted his hair and asked if he was ready to have a snack. His big brown eyes scanned my face. I could feel him trying to lift the curtains from my hidden feelings. But he just said, “Yes Ma, I want a bag of chips”. Chips it was!  This, and a few such unrelated incidents, kept playing on my mind for a long time.

Let me introduce myself. I am a new mother. This is my first child and the apple of my eyes. He came with a lot of fanfare, being the first grandchild of his generation. Through him I could see the sun rise and the moon shine. Being a mother for the first time was a wonderful experience in itself. Though very happy, it made me paranoid many a times. I started making minuscule observations in my little boy’s day to day life. Anything that was unusual. My in-laws and parents were doting grandparents. But whenever I brought their attention to an odd behavior, they advised it was due to my being a first time mother. I knew that I was taking my new designation of a mother all too seriously due to many books I had read on the subject. Yet, I was worried.

Seasons changed and soon my five year old son turned into a kindergartner. He was very friendly. He could talk with anyone, especially with people who were older than him. Not able to get along with his peers never worried me. He sometimes showed symptoms of separation anxiety, which everyone said, were very common for a child starting school. My son had been going to the pre-school for some time then why was he anxious, I often wondered.  Every day when he boarded the bus he asked me, “Ma, I am coming back, right?” Guilt was overtaking me and I felt I was drowning in that emotion. I rode on the self destructive train every day. This caused menacing repercussions. I started getting angry at him for his lack of capabilities. It made him coil up and shut himself. The more I pushed him, the more confused and isolated he became.

One day I found a health magazine in a pile of books in my house.  Out of curiosity I leafed through it and there is was in bold letters ADHD. That is what the symptoms suggested. I could not take my eyes off the article. I sat numbly reading it. My thoughts turned into a violent storm.

I called up the pediatrician, took an appointment and then decided to find out if it indeed was ADHD. I sat down with her and told her the whole story, even the ones I was getting from the school. :He is a sweet child,"they said. "But he cannot answer simple questions and does not play with the other kids of the class." The doctor was a sharp lady and she did not jump to any conclusions immediately. She wanted to do all the possible tests before giving her final opinion.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. We visited several behavioral specialists and social workers, who dissected and speculated on our lives and all that we were attached to. My son and I developed our own routine to deal with these strangers poking around.

Finally, the day of the verdict arrived. I drove to the doctor’s office, my heart doing a wild trapeze as my precious son in his car seat at the back was busy with one of his power ranger figures. Waiting in the room for my doctor to appear, I lived a thousand lives. Every time my son looked at me, my lips would quiver and tug till they formed a crescent for him to see and believe in.

The pediatrician came in and greeted us and instantly started chatting with him. She looked at me and said, "Honey, you have a very special child here." I pressed my lips together waiting for the blow and clenched my fist.

She lisped and I did not hear. She used words like "Asperger's syndrome", and learning disability in the same sentence. Many of the diction just flew over my head, some hit my heart and some befuddled my brain. I looked at him and then at the doctor. She rose from her seat and sat down beside me and said, “This is not the end of the world. He is a bright child and he is in the upper spectrum of Autism”. That threw me off, and I was stoned.

I listened to her and to the rest of her advice and directions. I even asked a few questions. Then I picked my baby, held his hand and walked out of the door of the doctor’s clinic. I gently helped him sit in his car seat, secured him with the belt, gave his snack pack and took my seat in front. Then it hit me, flooding me with an insane rush of guilt, anguish, shame, fear and anger. It was like a black hole had appeared in front of me and it was sucking me in its abyss. My body racked with pain and I howled and cried. I was blaming myself and all my loved ones to bring this day upon me. After what seemed like an eternity, I could hear a different cry, a more anguished sound which my heart recognized. My mind reeled me back to the present. My son was crying, thinking I was hurt. His chubby hands were outstretched and he was saying over and over again, “Ma don’t cry. I will be a good boy.”

Reflex kicked in, I got out of the car and into the back seat, held him and crooned to him, “Hush darling, it is not you, you are my good child.” I felt so ashamed for what I did. From that second on, I promised to the life I was holding, I will always be there for him. Self pity had no place in our relationship. I am his mother, his creator. With this started our journey. We have many times swum against the current, but we have never given up.

"Our future will be brilliant". that is my promise to my son. I have a feeling he now believes in it.